To Be Me Or Not To Be Me

frustration, head bang, desk, head, failureThat was me last year. Banging my head on the desk over some setback or frustration. It would be nice if I never, ever in a million years have to bang my head on another darn desk. But I know that’s not going to happen. I’m only human. I make mistakes. I turned left when I should have gone right. I said yes when I should have said no or vice versa. I took the elevator (the easy way) when I should have taken the stairs (the hard way).

I didn’t work as hard as I was capable of working and, worst of all, I didn’t believe in me as deeply as I should have.

Yeah, me. Because in the long and short and all the little runs in between, me is all I’ve got. I once read somewhere that the hardest battle any of us will ever have to fight is being ourselves.

I don’t think that means the whole “I gotta be me” or some kind of self-involved, narcissistic sense of being me. I think it means the me that I am deep, deep down inside, beyond all the layers of who my parents wanted me to be, who my friends think I should be,  who people I don’t even know but constantly barrage me with advertisements and commercials and billboards and emails want me to believe I should be.

Skinnier, younger, richer. Prettier, smarter, cooler. Which, of course, I will be all and more if I buy this car or use that face cream or eat at that restaurant.

Speaking of, as a brief aside, have you noticed there are now these maddening popups that appear as soon as you click on a website clamoring for you to sign up for their newsletter or like so and so at Facebook or follow them on Twitter?

I’m sorry, but if someone thought this was a clever idea, it’s not. It’s annoying! It’s the equivalent, seriously, of someone jumping into your face and shouting at you to pay attention to them.

Anyway, back to me. Or the idea of being me. I guess what I mean is that in a world of over seven billion souls, there is only one me. Only one you. And I can’t afford to let that singularity that is me be somebody else. It’s wrong and it’s a waste. Me is all I am. Me is all I’ll ever be.success, failure, goals, future, past

I think a lot of those hand bangs last year and the years before that were from me trying to be something other than I am. Trying to blend in like a chameleon. Blending in is a great strategy if you don’t want to be noticed, but not so great if you want to be more than just background.

Therefore, another one of my goals for 2014 is to learn more about me. The real me. Who I really am. What I really want. Where I really want to be.

For example, do I want to be successful. Sure, who wouldn’t? But that also involves learning exactly what I mean by success. Money? Fame? Recognition? Validation?

Or something else, perhaps? Well, I’ll just have to find that out, among others things. It sounds so simple but after all this time the fact that I still have to question who I really am as opposed to who I think I should be tells me it’s not as simple as all that.

Walking, Diana Castle, cold, shiver, freezingHowever, to be perfectly honest, what I’d like right now is for it not to be as cold as it’s going to be on Monday.

Wind chills of -50 degrees!

Yep, you read that right. -50 degrees. They wisely closed the schools but it’s still going to be awfully darn cold! And I don’t live at the North or South Poles, but it’s sure going to feel like that tomorrow. Brrr!

Well, it’s not like I can jump into my private jet and fly down to some island paradise where the water is blue and the sun is warm and the air is thick with the enticing smell of tropical flowers.

But I can dream about some lovely beach where the sand is warm beneath my feet; dream about it while I shiver and shudder in this unbelievable cold heading our way. Dreaming doesn’t cost a thing.

island, sunset, island paradise, paradise, warm, bliss, freedom, sun


2 thoughts on “To Be Me Or Not To Be Me

  1. Thanks! do have to work tonight and that’s when the cold front is coming through, but I’m crossing my fingers I won’t have any reason to venture out Monday or Tuesday.

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